upload : 2006_05_01 2006_04_27 She told me to stop smoking in an email that was half concerned half annoyed it's fucking up your health I agreed wanted to reply with excuses I was lonely I was stressed I was having a hard time breathing I was not myself I was, I mean You are right You are always so right but no words were sent back instead that night I replied to myself with a remnant of a suggestion of a thought about a question like do you remember that time when I was in Hanoi and I ate to be polite to be family to be accepted to be not hungry and instead I got food poisoning and almost died to be alive or that time when I went to the hospital because I had too much on my mind worried too much about nothing and life and about how we were going to make it Or my grandmother do you remember who in trying to be independent and not a burden went to a funeral alone and on her way fell and broke some bones and bled from her face that swelled up larger than my fears or your desires about living or not dying in certain ways that causes us to not live and how really it is the fear of living or maybe the act of living itself that fucks up our health the most and that um that it's I mean uh I'm trying or actually not wanting you to be afraid that I might die because I assure you that we will and that no amount of concern or annoyance will stop that from becoming entries contact